Thank God, I'm a Failure!

What does God want from me? Does He require that I live perfectly? Does He expect me to be righteous? My mind answers, "Of course not. That is impossible." But how do I actually live? Do I live in the freedom of one who knows that I cannot succeed, no matter how hard I try? No, I just pile burdens on myself. I sincerely desire to follow the Lord in all my ways. So when I fail in my attitudes or actions, I am so disappointed in myself. I have failed (again and again) to meet my own expectations. I want to show my children the love of God, but instead I am sharp and impatient with them. I want to create a peaceful, beautiful home, but I struggle just to keep up with my daily work. I want to have a romantic, passionate relationship with my husband, but by the end of the day I can barely drag myself into bed. I want to have intimacy with God, but I sleep in and miss my opportunity for quiet time. I could go on. And each time I fail, I condemn myself. I tell myself to get up and try again. Get back on that horse. Somehow I'll get it this time. But I never do. Even if I do manage to have some success in one area, another area crops up to trouble me.

When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, Lord, I will seek" (Ps. 27:8, NKJV).

What is God's standard of success? Is He disappointed in me for the same reasons I am disappointed in myself? Is there anything that makes Him angry with me? Yes, there is. But it is not what I expect. It is not my failure to be the perfect parent, wife, or Christ follower. It is only when, in success or failure, I refuse to turn to Him.

And he did evil because he did not set his heart to seek (inquire of, yearn for) the Lord with all his desire (2 Chronicles 12:14, AMP).

This is the only area in which I can ultimately succeed or fail. Nothing else condemns me. What caused God to count Abraham as righteous? It was his trust in God (Genesis 15:6; Romans 4:3). What was it about David that made him a man after God's heart? Obviously not his sinless perfection, for he failed miserably at times. It was the constant yearning of his heart after God (Acts 13:22). Whether in times of success or failure, David constantly returned to his Lord, calling out to Him and desiring His presence.

This is also the area in which Solomon ultimately failed. Solomon was given an amazing opportunity. He inherited the kingdom of the greatest lover-king of God. His father's prayers covered him (1 Chronicles 29:19). And God offered to give him anything he wanted (2 Chronicles 1:7). But he was more interested in building a great kingdom than he was in seeking God's face (i.e., he was more interested in his earthly success than He was in knowing God.) Imagine if David had been asked by God, "Ask what I shall give you." It is not hard to figure out what he would have asked for:

One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple (Psalm 27:4).

Solomon, on the other hand, asked for wisdom to rule God's people (2 Chronicles 1:9, 10). It was a good thing to ask for, and God honored his request. But it wasn't the best thing to desire. It wasn't the desire that would have made him a man after God's own heart, which is the only thing God ultimately credits or condemns us for. He was more interested in building a great kingdom than he was in knowing the Lord.

Am I more interested in raising godly children than I am in the Lord himself? Am I more interested in being recognized as a great mom and wife than I am in crying out to the Lord? What saddens me more: my failure to live up to my own standards, or my heart's indifference to Jesus?

I am so convicted of this. How hard I am on myself. And, by extension, I am hard on my children as well, placing burdens on them to be good, obedient children. The Lord loves me in the midst of my failure. He only desires that I cry out to Him. That's all. That's really all. Do I accept His love? Or do I love my own self-image more, making myself an idol before Him? If I truly know that I cannot succeed without Him, how can I be disappointed in myself? My disappointment only shows the idolatry of my heart, thinking that somehow I can do it without Him. If He is the only God enthroned in my life, then why do I not rejoice in my weakness, since it is an invitation to allow Him to reign as King?

What if, in the middle of a bad day, with my kids screaming and fighting, the floor grimy with unmopped spills, and my own attitude rotten, I thank God? What if, instead of wallowing in self-pity, I dance around the house? What if I glorify Him in the midst of my failure and stop trying to prop up my ability to actually succeed at anything? What if I really believe that He delights in my simple cry for help? Does He really? Or does He expect me to figure it out for myself? Does He say, "Okay, but don't do it again. Better do it right next time." Or does He say, "I love that you admit your need for Me! That's all I've wanted all along!! Come closer!!! I love you! I like you! Right now, in your weakness, I am enjoying you!!!!!"

Lord, be glorified in my weakness and failure. Help me to be unmoved by my own failure or success, and to rejoice in You.

O Lord, there is none besides You to help, and it makes no difference to You whether the one You help is mighty or powerless. Help us, O Lord our God! For we rely on You (2 Chronicles 14:11).