The Secret of Finishing

Now it came to pass, as He was praying in a certain place, when He ceased, that one of His disciples said to Him, "Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples." (Luk 11:1 NKJV)

This phrase is interesting to me: "when He ceased." In other translations, it is phrased, "after He had finished" (NASB), or, "when He stopped" (AMP). As Bob Sorge says in Secrets of the Secret Place, "In a technical sense, we know that Jesus prayed without ceasing; but when it came to His secret place, there came a point of time when He ceased. There came a time of completion."

How freeing! While Jesus never moved out of His Father's presence, He did move from that specific time of prayer to other times (times of ministry, fellowship, rest, etc.). So, when it is time for my quiet time to end so that I may move on to other tasks, I need not resent the intrusion or feel guilty that my prayer time was not longer. My daily activities are not inherently less holy than my prayer time, for Jesus engaged in similar activities without diminishing His holiness.

Lord, help me to linger in the secret place for as long as you desire. Help me not to rush out too quickly. Then, when it is time to go, let me go with You. Teach me to continue in Your presence no matter what I am doing. Release my heart to go freely, knowing that the time set aside for prayer is complete. May I also go joyfully, knowing that the set-aside time with You will come again soon! Keep my spirit attentive to You while also being attentive to the people and responsibilities You have entrusted to me.

Confessions of a Selfish Mommy

As I was going to sleep last night, the Lord brought to mind an incident with Rayne yesterday. She was, with my permission, hanging candy canes on the Christmas tree. I told her that she could do it while I was working on my Christmas shopping list. She came back a couple of times, telling me that the candy canes were all breaking. I didn’t understand why until the second time, when she mentioned taking the wrapper off the canes. Suddenly I realized what had been going on. I marched in there and took all the canes off the tree, rebuking her for her foolishness (when who I was really mad at was myself for not having explained things to her more fully). I made her think she would not get to hang any candy canes on the tree, though I did ungraciously give her the other box of candy canes, along with stern instructions not to take off the wrappers.

But it was not disobedience that prompted her to do it the wrong way the first time. It was simple childishness. She thought she was doing it the right way. She had no idea, and I crushed her heart with my lack of understanding and patience. Please forgive me, Lord. Please heal her heart. Make me more aware of what is really going on with my children and less reactive to outward circumstances. I tend to overreact in both directions: I either get involved in everything they are doing, letting them become overly dependent on me for entertainment, interaction, and conflict resolution (“She’s pushing me!” “Girls, stop pushing each other”); or, to make up for that, I hardly even pay attention to what is going on with them until disaster strikes and I have to intervene (usually by that time with a bad attitude). The good days, the days I treasure, go differently. I am both aware of them and in control of myself. I proactively deal with their heart issues and lead them through the day. Oh, I love days like that. At the end, Paul comes home and comments on how happy and contented the children are. They feel secure and loved. Not because I spent every moment of the day with them (as my guilty Mommy feelings would have me think)—I usually haven’t on those good days—but because their hearts know that they are important in a much more real way. My interactions that day were based not my selfish goals (either of appeasing my guilt by indulging their whims, or of doing whatever I want and ignoring them), but on truly loving them as I love myself. Outwardly, I don’t know what (if anything) is different on those days. But I know that my mindset is different.

Lord, give me that different mindset today. Help me to live today from Your heart toward my children. Teach me to lead them as You lead me, with gentleness, patience, love, and discipline. Help me to bless my children today, not curse them, by my attitude and actions. Fill our home with joy and peace today as we anticipate Your coming. Come today, Lord!

Bring the Glory Down!

Lately I’ve started to go back and read what I’ve written the day before to get a context of what God is doing in me. Sometimes, when I read the previous day's journal entry, I think, “Wow. What was I thinking?" I have such high ideals. I often pray such lofty prayers, asking God to be and do things in me that are far beyond my actual experience so far. The reality of my day after that glorious hour of prayer is usually so much more mundane. Often, I don't have a good attitude, a heavenly perspective, or anything like that. I am just functioning as a wife and mom, struggling to even hear God's voice (or remember to try to) for the rest of the day. But what I pray in the morning is what my heart really desires.

Lord, please, help that—that place of communion with You in heavenly realms—be the place from which I think and act during the day. Teach me to walk with my gaze upon You. Help me to reflect Your face, Your voice, to my family. Show me how to keep my mind fixed on heavenly things, not on things of the earth.

And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth. (Col 3:2 AMP)

Groaning

“You may judge of a man by what he groans after. Some men groan after wealth-they worship Mammon; some groan continually under the troubles of life-they are merely impatient; but the man who sighs after God, who is uneasy till he is made like Christ, that is the blessed man. May God help us to groan for the coming of the Lord, and the resurrection which He will bring to us.” (Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening Devotions, December 4).

Lord, help us to groan after You. Increase the longing in our spirits for Your presence. May we desire Your coming above all else.

Enjoying My Children

I have been thinking: if I so anticipate the arrival of my children, why do I not enjoy them more once they have arrived? Why instead do I see them as a burden, as a drain on me? That is not how God sees them, nor is it how He sees me. He sees me as His greatest treasure, the desire of His heart. He delights in me even in my weakness and immaturity. But I seem to be waiting until they reach a certain level of maturity before I fully enjoy them. How unlike the Lord that is! Jesus is the one children run to, and He does not rebuke them. He welcomes them, wants them, and rejoices in them. They do not inconvenience Him.

Yes, I love my children passionately. But I believe it is not fully God's kind of love. I love the idea of who they are and who they will become. I do enjoy them emotionally at times, but that is not my normal mode of relating to them. Instead, I tend to see them more as an ongoing projects-—little souls to teach and train-—instead of people with whom to have relationship. I enjoy them when they are behaving well. But God enjoys them (and me) every moment. He is not disturbed by my failures. Even when He disciplines me, He is enjoying me. He is not doing it because He's at the end of His rope and doesn't know what else to do. He disciplines me because He loves me and knows what is best for me. He restores me to relationship with Him so that I can once again enjoy the love that He has never ceased to pour out upon me.

Lord, please forgive me for holding these precious treasures that You have entrusted to me in such little regard. Help me to see them as You see them and to love them as You love them. Let me see their waking and coming into my presence as my greatest joy, not as my daily burden. Give me a heart to serve them gladly as You serve me, and so to win their hearts to You. Bind us together, Lord, with cords that cannot be broken. Bind us together with love. Thank You for using my sense of duty and rightness to bring me this far in parenting my children. Now please, Abba, bring me further into a revelation of Your heart. Plant Your love for them deeply in my heart. I love You, Lord.

Tools for Meditating on The Word

Last week we read Chapter 19, "The Secret of Meditation" in the book Secrets of the Secret Place by Bob Sorge. This is one of my favorite chapters because I have seen the benefits of meditating on the word in my own life. This is the one method that I have seen God use to break down strongholds and heal hurts in my life more than any other. Meditating causes me to slow down and allow God's word into my heart. It is a discipline that requires me to evaluate what the passage means and how I need to apply it to my life. It causes me to choose truth over the lies that I have believed. As Bob Sorge puts it "The one who meditates on God's word will slowly transform the inner well from which his soul draws."

Some tips from the chapter were: Ask questions from the text - Who is the writer and to whom is he speaking? What does the verse say and why? What does it mean? Does the verse contain a spiritual principle? How does this truth apply to my life? Also take note of: context, word meanings, cross-references, repetition and symbolism. (Further explanations can be found in Chapter 19.)

Here are some resources that I have found very helpful in studying the word.

e-sword.net - free download available of KJV bible with Strong's concordance and search capabilities

blueletterbible.org - online reference with Strong's, multiple translations, cross references etc.

net.bible.org - online reference featuring Net bible translation, multiple translations, cross references etc.

Jesus' Prayer Time

And in the morning, long before daylight, He got up and went out to a deserted place, and there He prayed. (Mk. 1:35 AMP)

This was after a long day’s work of ministry (teaching in the synagogue, healing the sick, and driving out demons long into the night) and before another long day. He obviously didn’t get much sleep that night. But His strength was in prayer, not primarily in sleep.

He went to a deserted place. It was important for him to get alone with His Father. He did not meet with His Father in the presence of His disciples as an example to them. No, He set the example by getting away, demonstrating that His priority, above all others, was His relationship with the Father.

He did it first thing in the morning, before anyone or anything else could demand His time. For Jesus, this was before dawn. Once the sun was up, He made Himself available to others. And when they found Him, He did not rebuke them. (This reminds me of my children who track me down no matter what place I find to be alone with my Father!)

He received direction in prayer. They wanted Him to continue what He had been doing the day before, but He said, “Let us be going on” (1:38). His ministry was successful, and many wanted Him to stay longer. But He received direction from His Father, not from the needs of others.

She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household. . . . (Prov. 31:15)

Lord, help me to be faithful to meet with you early, no matter what other demands are made on my time. You are my first priority, and I determine to live that out in my schedule. Help me to find a place to be alone with You (whether that is in my bedroom, a closet, the shower, or on a walk), demonstrating to my own heart and to my family that You really are my most valuable treasure. Please fill me with love, joy, and peace in my inner man. Direct me so that I can direct my day according to Your plan, not my own (or my children’s)!

Watch and Pray

All of you must keep awake (give strict attention, be cautious and active) and watch and pray, that you may not come into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Mt. 26:41 AMP)

Be on your guard [constantly alert], and watch and pray; for you do not know when the time will come … Therefore watch (give strict attention, be cautious and alert), for you do not know when the Master is coming—in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrowing, or in the morning—[Watch, I say] lest He come suddenly and unexpectedly and find you asleep. And what I say to you I say to everybody: Watch (give strict attention, be cautious, active, and alert)! (Mt. 13:33-37)

It seems like Jesus is talking about staying awake all the time. Yet we are humans with a need to sleep. We can’t actually stay awake to pray 24/7. Even Jesus slept! (See Matt. 8:24.) So how do we know when we are to stay alert and pray, and when to rest?

Perhaps this is primarily a call to be alert in our minds and spirits. That way, asleep or awake, we are tuned in to the Holy Spirit’s promptings, whether they come “in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrowing, or in the morning.” (Interesting that midday is not included, which can for me be one of my least spiritually alert times.)

This is a reminder to me—for no matter how well I plan my days and nights, it seems that God is constantly throwing a monkey wrench into my plans! I go to bed at what I consider a decent time, and then I am not able to get to sleep for hours. Or I sleep a few short hours and then wake up waaay too early, unable to get back to sleep. (Or sometimes both in one night!) Of course, many things interrupt our days as well!

This afternoon, I realized a simple solution to those times when my plans are interrupted. That is, to ask the Lord, “How do you want me to redeem this time?” (See Eph. 5:15-17.) That way, day or night, I am tuning my heart to the Holy Spirit. Very often those unwanted interruptions are invitations to join Him, for He has better plans for my day/night/life than I have!

Lord, whether I am awake or asleep, keep my spirit alert to You. Help me not to become irritated when You interrupt my schedule. Please keep me from falling asleep spiritually. Heighten my awareness of You so that I am continually beholding You in my heart.

Thoughts on Humility

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. (Isa. 57:15)

My translation: “For this is what I say, I who am exalted on high, lofty and residing perpetually in eternity, I who am holy in reputation, authority, and character: I dwell in the sacred sanctuary on high, near (among) the crushed and contrite, the humble and lowly spirit (life, breath), to restore to life (nourish, recover) the humble (depressed) mind, and to repair (save, preserve) the heart (will, feelings, intellect) of the broken (bruised, contrite, humble, oppressed).”

It seems to me that the sense here is not that God dwells on high and also with the lowly, but that He dwells on high with the lowly. As if “on high” is where the humble also dwell. Those who exalt themselves are actually positioning themselves in the lowest places, while those who are broken and contrite dwell on high with the humble God. Humility is not contrary to exaltation, but is necessary and complementary to it. Pride is what brings one low. Our thinking is all backwards. It is like swinging at the park. If you move your body in the direction you want to go, you will not get anywhere. But if you move your body in the opposite direction, pushing against the swing, you will soar.

Who is like the Lord our God, Who has His seat on high, Who humbles Himself to regard the heavens and the earth! The Lord raises the poor out of the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap and the dung hill, that He may seat them with princes, even with the princes of His people. (Ps. 113:5-8)

He humbles Himself to enjoy, experience, and gaze joyfully upon the high and lofty sky and space, and also upon the common earth, the nations and the world. He raises up weak, poor man from the ashes (earth, clay, mud), and lifts the beggar (destitute) out of the rubbish pile. He causes him to dwell among princes as an equal with His free people (flock).

When Jesus humbled Himself to come among us as Man (Phil. 2:5-7), He was not going against His nature. It was the inevitable result of a humble God gazing upon His people with delight. Of course He would come as one of us, for the holy dwells with the humble. They are two sides of the same coin. God-Man is not a contradiction, but a completion of the desire of a God who is meek and lowly of heart (Mt. 11:29) to be one with the bride He has created to be one with Himself.

I Love Fasting!

I love fasting. I don’t think I could have said that a few weeks ago, but recently I started feeling a bit lethargic in my relationship with God. Desire for other things began to creep in to the point that I was unmotivated to spend significant amounts of time with God. So, after posting about it, I immediately started a five-day fast of entertainment and sweets (my pregnancy-style fast). By the end of the five days, my heart was again passionate about my relationship with the One who made me and loves me most. My spirit was reawakened! I am amazed by the grace of fasting. It truly does release God’s power to work in our lives. And it sped up what could have been a long journey through spiritual dryness and neglect.

Thank You, Lord, for giving us something so simple that we can do to reawaken our hearts to You. By fasting, all I did was humble myself before You, admit my need for Your help, and submit myself in obedience to You. And You met me! Spiritual violence isn’t my effort, but Your grace meeting my need. You fought for me as I placed myself in Your hands. I love You, Abba.

Consistency

I have been struggling with consistency the past few days. Worse, I am struggling with a lack of desire to be consistent. Lying around all the time should make it easier to spend more time in the Word, but I find there is a whole different set of distractions available to me. There are projects that I want to work on while I have the time, like organizing family pictures and researching home school options (my favorite website right now is www.homeschoolreviews.com). There are books I want to read (lately I have been devouring Joel Rosenberg’s books, The Last Jihad, The Last Days, and currently, The Ezekiel Option). And, while none of these are bad things, it’s amazing how much time they can eat up so that, at the end of the day, I have spent little or no time in the Word.

Another thing making it difficult is my irregular sleep schedule. I have gotten out of the habit of getting up at my regular time to be alone with God. Some nights I can’t get to sleep until 1 a.m., and on nights when I do fall asleep earlier, I often wake up in the wee hours of the morning, again unable to sleep. Pain and contractions certainly make sleep difficult sometimes! Of course, I can (and sometimes do) use that time to be in the Word. But usually my brain is so foggy from sleep deprivation that I can hardly concentrate on a verse, much less process what God is trying to say to me.

Maybe I’m being a bit hard on myself. I haven’t given up, and I do crack open my Bible at least a little each day. But why is it so much easier to distract myself from the pain with a novel or a movie (I’ve watched the whole Lord of the Rings series in the past couple of weeks) than it is to enter into the Word of God? I want my spirit to be renewed, and no other content, however worthy, can replace God’s living Word for doing that.

I know that my weak prayers and efforts are sweet incense to the Lord. I know that He sees the “yes” in my heart and understands my struggle. What concerns me, as I mentioned at the beginning, is how much my desire for time in the Word and prayer has decreased over the past few days.

Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I listened to a OneThing podcast of a sermon by Misty Edwards. She was talking about the parable of the virgins with their lamps and oil in Matthew 25. She put it very simply: the lamps are our outward life and ministry. The oil is our inward life with God—intimacy with Him in the secret place (primarily spending time in the Word). The foolish virgins are the ones who spend all their time and energy on their lamps. They have a little oil, but they are not investing the time to deepen their relationship with God. In the end, they lose everything. The wise virgins, on the other hand, also have lamps, but they are not consumed by their outward lives. They are investing the best part of their time in getting oil, and when the light is darkest, their lamps do not go out.

Oh, how I want to be a wise virgin! Lord, help me not give in to lethargy or laziness concerning Your Word. Renew the urgency in my spirit to go deep in You.

Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning
Give me oil in my lamp, I pray
Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning
Keep me burning till the break of day

Repentance (Psalm 51)

Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart (Ps. 51:6).

Lord, please help me to be truthful in my inmost being. Help me not to hide from my sin or try to hide my sin from You. Often, instead of acknowledging my sin and repenting of it, I justify it to myself and to You. Please bring Your truth to bear. I desire to walk in truth—but not in some legalistic fantasy of my own creation, and not in self-justification and denial. Please give me wisdom to know how to walk the straight path You have set before me with honesty, humility, and confidence.

Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin! (51:2).

I need to be washed daily. You have freed me from the root of sin once and for all. But I still walk in this world and get dirty feet. Sins that I know and sins that I do not mean to commit cling to me. Have mercy and wash me thoroughly so I may walk pure before You. Help me to repent quickly when I sin. Only You are pure. Only You can make me clean.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering and steadfast spirit within me (51:10).

You said that it is what comes from the heart and out of the mouth that defiles me. Cleanse my heart and my lips, Lord. Help me only to open my mouth to speak, and my heart to believe, what is right and true and life-giving. Give me a persevering spirit that when I fail, I immediately repent and begin again. Thank You that Your mercies are new every morning.

Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me (51:11).

I want to live in oneness with You. I want to walk daily in Your presence. Please protect me from grieving or quenching Your Spirit. Help me to be yielded to You continually. Your Spirit is life. Being away from Your presence is death. Make me sensitive to the difference.

My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise (51:17).

Lord, my spirit is not broken enough with sorrow for my sin. Humble me, Holy Spirit. Make me thoroughly penitent. I do not want to be despised by You for my pride and self-satisfaction. Please break my heart.

The Freedom of Fellowship with the Holy Spirit

I have been prayed for more revelation about how to live undistracted and unworried (or focused and joyful). I tend to assume that if I am to live undistracted from the cares and pleasures of this life (Luke 8:14), then I need to avoid anything that might fit into the categories of "cares" or "pleasures." As cares and responsibilities are not completely avoidable, I have been a little more realistic about that. But as far as pleasures … what then? Should I avoid all books and movies and games and fellowship with others, unless it is directly related to seeking God? But then I heard the Holy Spirit whisper these words to my heart:

With Me.

Suddenly I recognized the sacred/secular division that I impose on recreation. I consider Bible reading, praying, worshiping, etc., as holy, but reading fiction, watching movies (with a very few exceptions) and playing board games as unholy. And so I have felt somewhat guilty about enjoying something as lighthearted as The Island of Heavenly Daze by Lori Copeland and Angela Hunt. At the same time, I have begun to feel weighted down by too much seriousness and in need of more laughter. After all, the God who created the stars also made puppies. I know that He have a fun side as well as a glorious side, and that He made me to enjoy both.

With Me.

So if having fun is okay, then why do I feel guilty sometimes when I schedule a game night or watch Singing in the Rain with my husband, wondering if I am sinning by wasting my time?

When I read the Bible, my heart and mind are open to God. But when I read a novel, I tend to close them off from Him. And so, when I lay the book down, it feels as though fellowship with the Holy Spirit was broken during that time. Because of that, I feel the need to repent to restore relationship. Then I am confused, because I wonder whether the activity was dishonoring to Him.

With Me.

With that one phrase, I finally understand what dishonors Him. It is not primarily what I am doing, but the focus of my heart. If I am reading the book with a rebellious spirit (closed heart), then I am disobeying God. But the very same activity may be received with thankfulness if done with a clear conscience (a heart open to Him).

That makes some truths amazingly clear. First, that God can (and wants to) speak to me through everything! He wants to be involved in every little thing I am doing, even the fun things. God can speak to my heart through a novel or movie or friend, not just through His Word. Those activities don’t have to be a distraction if I am continuing to fellowship with His Spirit while engaging in them.

Second, if I honestly keep my heart in open fellowship with the Holy Spirit, then I will not be able to engage in activities which dishonor Him. If I do, then the fellowship will immediately be broken. What fellowship has light with darkness? What an amazing way to be sensitive to the leading of His Spirit! I simply keep my heart and mind in continual fellowship with God, become aware of what breaks that connection, and then discontinue whatever that is. If I am reading a book that causes my spirit to withdraw from God's presence, then I stop reading it. If I am watching a movie and become aware that my heart is no longer open to Him, then I stop watching it. It is so simple. No long list of rules. Just a living, in-the-moment relationship with God.

With Me.

Lord, please help me to live every moment with my heart open to You. Please give me the ability to be with You today in every moment. When I withdraw, bring me back. Teach me to fellowship with Your Spirit in everything I do. I love You, Abba.

Three Lessons I've Learned (I Hope)

The past few weeks I have had to sit and lie down most of the time. Others have amazed me with their willingness to come alongside and help care for my children and household. And, while I have been tired, in pain, and generally having a bad attitude, God has been using this time to teach me some much-needed lessons. I didn't know it would take getting what I wanted (some time off to rest) to bring me face-to-face with myself.

Lesson 1: Being able to rest all the time (and have others do my work) doesn’t solve my problems. In my imagination, if I had all the time in the world, I would spend lots more of it reading my Bible, praying, worshiping, etc. But it is no easier to focus on God when I am in bed all day than it is when I am busy. It's just as hard to fight through boredom to connect with Him as it is to fight through busyness.

Lesson 2: I need to listen to my body more, and stop when I need to rest, even if not everything gets done. It's okay to stop now and then. In fact, the kids love it. Mommy is finally still enough for us to sit on her lap!

Lesson 3: The work will, somehow, get done (even if I have to ask for help), but my children can only be taught by me. Only I can invest in them the way God wants me to. If I don’t connect with them, they will be influenced by whoever else spends time with them, whether that is a friend, relative, or the television. I am jealous for that person to be me!

It is so easy to get it mixed up, because at the end of the day it is easy to point out all that I’ve gotten done and feel good about having a clean house. (Oh, that rotten pride!) It is harder to feel I have something to show for the day when I have invested time in my children but my to-do list has un-checked chores. I don’t think it’s an either/or situation. God must have a way for me to do everything that I need to do. But I am finding that, just as with my quiet time, if I don’t put my children’s education before housework, it ends up rarely happening. If I do put it first, I trust that the other will find a way of getting done more efficiently.

So on to the second priority! God first, family second. I'm grateful that God has removed my ability to do anything at all so that He can show me more clearly the way He wants me to prioritize my time.

Who then is the faithful, thoughtful, and wise servant, whom his master has put in charge of his household to give to the others the food and supplies at the proper time? Blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied) is that servant whom, when his master comes, he will find so doing. I solemnly declare to you, he will set him over all his possessions (Mt. 24:45-47).

Shout for Joy?!?

Being forced to lie around while others do most of my work brings unique challenges. My phlegmatic nature enjoyed the first few days, but after awhile even I can start getting impatient with the boredom and lethargy (not to mention feeling bad that others are having to work extra hard to make up for me). I have really struggled with my attitude in the past few weeks. But God keeps speaking to me from Psalm 81 (and other similar passages).

Sing aloud to God our Strength! Shout for joy to the God of Jacob! (Psalm 81:1).

Me? Rejoice in triumph? Shout for joy? That's just about the last thing I feel like doing. I feel so discouraged and out of sorts … anything but joyful and triumphant. I guess I don’t have to feel triumphant in order to shout joyfully. I will obey in faith, even though it’s the opposite of how I feel. For You, Lord, are my strength, the life of my body and spirit, my security, the only One who is majestic and worthy of praise. I will blow an alarm and make a joyful noise to You, my God.

(This reminded me of the shofar my mom got from Israel many years ago. How she used to annoy and fascinate me by blowing it and shouting to God when I still lived in my parents' house! A bit sheepishly, I borrowed it from her. After all, as I discovered with a little research on e-Sword, the word used in Ps. 81:1 for "shout for joy" literally means to "blow an alarm" on the shofar.)

I removed his shoulder from the burden; his hands were freed from the basket (81:6).

You have chosen this time to remove my shoulder from the burden of my daily tasks. I cannot lead RHOP Moms, do my housework, or really do much of anything. You have freed my hands. I am spending my days lying down and resting, though chafing at it. Now that I have the freedom I have desired to meditate on You, read Your Word, and rest in You, I find it difficult to be focused. Instead, I feel guilty for lying down while others do the work, resentful when my body is weary and in pain, and complaining in my spirit. Amazing how it is still hard to focus on You even while I am doing nothing. When nausea hits, I am wearied of even thinking, and I just want to escape. But You are inviting me to a new place. A place where I yearn for You even when I don’t feel well. A place where I keep calling out to You even when I don’t feel You.

You called in distress and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! (81:7).

Lord, I am in distress, and I am calling out to You. Deliver me from the bondage of my sinful nature. You have made me a new person, one who is like You. Help me to walk (or lie down) in Your Spirit, and not in the spirit of the flesh. I am weak, constantly struggling against the path You’ve given me to walk. Free me from a spirit of complaining. You are delivering this baby and me. You are daily providing the help that we need. In the midst of all Your provision, I am still complaining that it’s not enough, just as Israel did at Meribah. Teach me contentment and trust in You. Forgive me for my unbelief. You are answering me. You are enough for me.

I am the Lord your God, Who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide and I will fill it (81:10).

Lord, I will open my mouth to You in praise and adoration. You will feed me with the finest wheat of Your presence; with honey out of the Rock you will satisfy me (81:16). I will be satisfied in You. I will have no other gods before You, not gods of comfort or ease or physical health, not getting my own way, self-sufficiency, pride, or anger. I will embrace humility, gratitude, and joy. Keep pressing me, Lord. Make me sweet wine of Your presence, a fountain of living water flowing to refresh You and those around me. Thank you for the honey of Your Word, coming out of the Rock, Christ Jesus. Satisfy my soul with Your love.

RHOP Moms Update!

I am so excited to update you about what's going on with RHOP Moms! God is just so good, and I am praising Him!!

As many may know by now, I am eight weeks pregnant and mostly on bedrest. I've been having cramping and some light spotting (though the spotting has been gone for a week now, praise God!). Since I had a miscarriage last year, we are being very cautious. As you can imagine, I'm not getting out of the house much these days. I have had total peace that God will provide for RHOP Moms during this time, and it is to that end that I am glad to announce that . . .

RHOP Moms will continue as usual!!!!! Sarah Williams and Jennifer Ryan, amazing women of God, have agreed to continue leading in my absence. Also, we have decided to conclude our study of Song of Solomon for now. Starting this Friday, we will be reading and discussing Secrets of the Secret Place by Bob Sorge. This book has been on our hearts for a while as the direction we wanted to go next, and now seems like a good time to make the transition. You will be encouraged with truth and practical ideas for your personal pursuit of God.

We are working on making copies of the book available, so stay tuned. Sarah will hopefully have more news about that on Friday.

I am so grateful for each one of you and eagerly anticipating what God will do in this season!

-Michelle

Thank God, I'm a Failure!

What does God want from me? Does He require that I live perfectly? Does He expect me to be righteous? My mind answers, "Of course not. That is impossible." But how do I actually live? Do I live in the freedom of one who knows that I cannot succeed, no matter how hard I try? No, I just pile burdens on myself. I sincerely desire to follow the Lord in all my ways. So when I fail in my attitudes or actions, I am so disappointed in myself. I have failed (again and again) to meet my own expectations. I want to show my children the love of God, but instead I am sharp and impatient with them. I want to create a peaceful, beautiful home, but I struggle just to keep up with my daily work. I want to have a romantic, passionate relationship with my husband, but by the end of the day I can barely drag myself into bed. I want to have intimacy with God, but I sleep in and miss my opportunity for quiet time. I could go on. And each time I fail, I condemn myself. I tell myself to get up and try again. Get back on that horse. Somehow I'll get it this time. But I never do. Even if I do manage to have some success in one area, another area crops up to trouble me.

When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, Lord, I will seek" (Ps. 27:8, NKJV).

What is God's standard of success? Is He disappointed in me for the same reasons I am disappointed in myself? Is there anything that makes Him angry with me? Yes, there is. But it is not what I expect. It is not my failure to be the perfect parent, wife, or Christ follower. It is only when, in success or failure, I refuse to turn to Him.

And he did evil because he did not set his heart to seek (inquire of, yearn for) the Lord with all his desire (2 Chronicles 12:14, AMP).

This is the only area in which I can ultimately succeed or fail. Nothing else condemns me. What caused God to count Abraham as righteous? It was his trust in God (Genesis 15:6; Romans 4:3). What was it about David that made him a man after God's heart? Obviously not his sinless perfection, for he failed miserably at times. It was the constant yearning of his heart after God (Acts 13:22). Whether in times of success or failure, David constantly returned to his Lord, calling out to Him and desiring His presence.

This is also the area in which Solomon ultimately failed. Solomon was given an amazing opportunity. He inherited the kingdom of the greatest lover-king of God. His father's prayers covered him (1 Chronicles 29:19). And God offered to give him anything he wanted (2 Chronicles 1:7). But he was more interested in building a great kingdom than he was in seeking God's face (i.e., he was more interested in his earthly success than He was in knowing God.) Imagine if David had been asked by God, "Ask what I shall give you." It is not hard to figure out what he would have asked for:

One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple (Psalm 27:4).

Solomon, on the other hand, asked for wisdom to rule God's people (2 Chronicles 1:9, 10). It was a good thing to ask for, and God honored his request. But it wasn't the best thing to desire. It wasn't the desire that would have made him a man after God's own heart, which is the only thing God ultimately credits or condemns us for. He was more interested in building a great kingdom than he was in knowing the Lord.

Am I more interested in raising godly children than I am in the Lord himself? Am I more interested in being recognized as a great mom and wife than I am in crying out to the Lord? What saddens me more: my failure to live up to my own standards, or my heart's indifference to Jesus?

I am so convicted of this. How hard I am on myself. And, by extension, I am hard on my children as well, placing burdens on them to be good, obedient children. The Lord loves me in the midst of my failure. He only desires that I cry out to Him. That's all. That's really all. Do I accept His love? Or do I love my own self-image more, making myself an idol before Him? If I truly know that I cannot succeed without Him, how can I be disappointed in myself? My disappointment only shows the idolatry of my heart, thinking that somehow I can do it without Him. If He is the only God enthroned in my life, then why do I not rejoice in my weakness, since it is an invitation to allow Him to reign as King?

What if, in the middle of a bad day, with my kids screaming and fighting, the floor grimy with unmopped spills, and my own attitude rotten, I thank God? What if, instead of wallowing in self-pity, I dance around the house? What if I glorify Him in the midst of my failure and stop trying to prop up my ability to actually succeed at anything? What if I really believe that He delights in my simple cry for help? Does He really? Or does He expect me to figure it out for myself? Does He say, "Okay, but don't do it again. Better do it right next time." Or does He say, "I love that you admit your need for Me! That's all I've wanted all along!! Come closer!!! I love you! I like you! Right now, in your weakness, I am enjoying you!!!!!"

Lord, be glorified in my weakness and failure. Help me to be unmoved by my own failure or success, and to rejoice in You.

O Lord, there is none besides You to help, and it makes no difference to You whether the one You help is mighty or powerless. Help us, O Lord our God! For we rely on You (2 Chronicles 14:11).

What About My Children?

One question I have struggled with over the past year is this: If I am called to pursue God as my main goal in life (as is every believer), what about my children? What do I do about these wonderful, amazing, needy, overwhelming people that God has given me to care for? They have been my primary excuse for not pursuing God in the past. Recently, He gave me the bottom-line answer that I've been needing. And it came, no surprise, through my favorite devotional author.

"Where does Jesus Christ figure in when we have a concern about our natural relationships?" (My heart-ears pricked up when I read this.)

"Most of us will desert Him with this excuse -- 'Yes, Lord, I heard you call me, but my family needs me and I have my own interests. I just can't go any further' (see Luke 9:57-62)." (That's pretty much what I used to say.)

" 'Then,' Jesus says, 'you cannot be my disciple' (see Luke 14:26-33)." (Ugh. Okay, I'm listening!)

"If we will only give up, God will surrender Himself to embrace all those around us and will meet their needs, which were created by our surrender. Beware of stopping anywhere short of total surrender to God" (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, 3-12).

Can it be any clearer? My life must display complete surrender to God. Surrender even of the consequences to my children if I really give myself to knowing God. What about them? God will care for them. Far better, by the way, than I can, with all my worries, frustrations, and hangups.

I am not implying here any neglect of our families. If we begin to abandon our families, we are no longer living in obedience to Christ, but in slavery to selfishness. (I actually know of a mom who left her family in pursuit of her "calling," but she was deceived and destroyed her family.) As we pursue God, we will grow in respect for our husbands, love for our children, and service to our families. But we must do it out of devotion and obedience to Christ, not primarily because they need us.

And in the end we will find that they have benefited from our wholehearted love for Jesus far more than we could have imagined.

One Thing

This is something I shared at RHOP this evening, and I want to share it here as well:

“. . . [W]e must have the willingness to stop everything to further develop our life of prayer” (Bob Hartley, Prophetic Insight, Vision for 2007).

As moms, it is so easy to be distracted by the many good things we want to do with/for our children. Home school, sports, extracurricular activities, housework, all can eat up our days. But One Thing must come first. We must learn to live the Sermon on the Mount lifestyle ourselves, model it to our children, and teach it to them as normal Christianity. In order to do that, we must go deep in God. We, perhaps more than any other vocational calling, can no longer satisfy ourselves with Sunday Christianity and gleaning from the plates of others. We are raising up God’s warriors. We must know what we’re doing, what His heart is toward us and them. We are preparing the end-time generation. If we do not have a deep, firm foundation of personal knowledge of God, then how will we pass this on to our children? It is absolutely urgent that we begin to seek God now, with all our hearts, and let everything else take second place.

“. . . God must be woven into all areas of life and invited into every hidden corner . . . “ (Hartley).

We no longer have the luxury of separating our lives into compartments. God must invade our every moment, every thought, every decision, every interaction. We must not be satisfied until we have His presence manifest in our lives and our families. Let us discover joy in our life’s purpose, begin hearing God’s heart, and greatly honor His desires above our own. Let us substantially alter our priorities to match the priorities of heaven.

(Much wording borrowed from Hartley.)

I Love My Life!

A couple of weeks ago, a young woman I hadn't met before showed up at RHOP Moms. Her countenance glowed. Her eyes, her smile, and her tone of voice exuded joy. It made her beautiful. It made me admire her. Most of all, it provoked me. What am I missing? I thought. I don't have that kind of joy. She actually enjoys serving her family. I often resent it! I couldn't just write it off as a newlywed glow. It was something deeper, something real, something that I wanted to recapture.

. . . you have left your first love (Revelation 2:4, NKJV).

Disturbed, I went home. That afternoon found me typing an email to my accountability partner, listing all the complaints I had. Too tired, too much to do, whine, whine. . . . Then I started to reflect on what I was considering "too much." My involvement with RHOP? My children? My husband? These are the things that take up the majority of my time and energy. But they are also the very things I have asked, no, begged of God. I remember being 25 and single, wondering whether God would fulfill the call to marriage and motherhood that was deeply embedded in my heart. I remember having a vision for creating a home filled with peace and warmth, a haven from the world for my family. I have asked God to release me into ministry, worship, and (more recently) greater involvement at RHOP.

Suddenly it dawned on me: God is fulfilling every major calling that He's put in my heart. Marriage, motherhood, ministry, and worship have been my greatest desires for as long as I can remember. Yet I have continued to complain! In a moment of stark realization, I saw the futility of my unsatisfied heart. In the midst of the fulfillment of my dreams, I was discontent.

The leech has two daughters - Give and Give! (Proverbs 30:15, NKJV).

Whatever God gave, I found something more I needed. More time, more money, more children (sometimes less children!), more energy, more help, less clutter . . . . In the midst of abundance, my soul was impoverished. My greed prevented me from enjoying the very things I most desired. I refused to be content

No longer. I finally understand that the problem is not my circumstances. It's me! Now, while changing diapers, I will suddenly remember that this is exactly what I signed up for. It's not like I didn't know what motherhood would entail. I knew that it would require endless housework, meal preparation, and giving of myself. I even wanted that! I remember the feeling of purposelessness that haunted me during my twenties. I hated it! I wanted to be doing something real, something of eternal value. Something like being a mom?!

So I've started telling my children, "You're my favorite people to hang out with." And the funny thing is, it's true! I just didn't realize it before. I thought there was someone or something else . . . then suddenly I didn't know anymore what I was waiting for to make me happy.

Have the roots [of your being] firmly and deeply planted [in Him, fixed and founded in Him], being continually built up in Him . . . and abounding and overflowing . . . with thanksgiving (Colossians 2:7, Amplified).

By God's grace, I will live with a thankful heart. I will not complain. (If you hear me doing it, please call me on it!) I have absolutely no excuse for being discontented. I refuse to live that way any longer! I am so grateful that God showed me this now so that I can repent and change before another five, ten, or twenty years goes by. I have a choice, and I choose to Love My Life. This wonderful, marvelous life that God has given me: a loving husband who is passionate about God; three beautiful children whose hearts are so open; the ability to seek God daily through the Word, worship, and prayer; an incredible house of prayer in which to grow, learn, and minister . . . . I could go on and on. Thank You, Lord! I will rejoice in You!

And one day, maybe my face will glow, my eyes sparkle, and my voice exude the joy of the Lord. Then, perhaps, someone else will be provoked to be thankful too.

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! (Philippians 4:4, NKJV).