Confessions of a Selfish Mommy

As I was going to sleep last night, the Lord brought to mind an incident with Rayne yesterday. She was, with my permission, hanging candy canes on the Christmas tree. I told her that she could do it while I was working on my Christmas shopping list. She came back a couple of times, telling me that the candy canes were all breaking. I didn’t understand why until the second time, when she mentioned taking the wrapper off the canes. Suddenly I realized what had been going on. I marched in there and took all the canes off the tree, rebuking her for her foolishness (when who I was really mad at was myself for not having explained things to her more fully). I made her think she would not get to hang any candy canes on the tree, though I did ungraciously give her the other box of candy canes, along with stern instructions not to take off the wrappers.

But it was not disobedience that prompted her to do it the wrong way the first time. It was simple childishness. She thought she was doing it the right way. She had no idea, and I crushed her heart with my lack of understanding and patience. Please forgive me, Lord. Please heal her heart. Make me more aware of what is really going on with my children and less reactive to outward circumstances. I tend to overreact in both directions: I either get involved in everything they are doing, letting them become overly dependent on me for entertainment, interaction, and conflict resolution (“She’s pushing me!” “Girls, stop pushing each other”); or, to make up for that, I hardly even pay attention to what is going on with them until disaster strikes and I have to intervene (usually by that time with a bad attitude). The good days, the days I treasure, go differently. I am both aware of them and in control of myself. I proactively deal with their heart issues and lead them through the day. Oh, I love days like that. At the end, Paul comes home and comments on how happy and contented the children are. They feel secure and loved. Not because I spent every moment of the day with them (as my guilty Mommy feelings would have me think)—I usually haven’t on those good days—but because their hearts know that they are important in a much more real way. My interactions that day were based not my selfish goals (either of appeasing my guilt by indulging their whims, or of doing whatever I want and ignoring them), but on truly loving them as I love myself. Outwardly, I don’t know what (if anything) is different on those days. But I know that my mindset is different.

Lord, give me that different mindset today. Help me to live today from Your heart toward my children. Teach me to lead them as You lead me, with gentleness, patience, love, and discipline. Help me to bless my children today, not curse them, by my attitude and actions. Fill our home with joy and peace today as we anticipate Your coming. Come today, Lord!