Journey to Desperation

My journey with God has progressed gradually over my lifetime. At times I have walked with God closely and at other times not so closely. The first major milestone in my walk with Christ came when I was fourteen years old. At that time, I asked God to make Himself real to me. I began reading my Bible regularly (though at the time I thought it was very boring). I asked God, if He was real, to prove it by changing my heart through His Word. I didn’t know what that would look like, but I knew that I would know when it happened. I figured, if it were just a bunch of words, nothing would happen. But if God were behind it, something would change.

God passed my original test. After about a year of reading the Bible, I realized that I was different. I read primarily out of determination and stubbornness. The Bible still seemed dry most of the time. I’d quickly read a chapter and then put it aside for a more interesting (read: entertaining) book. But something in my heart had changed. No longer did I question whether the God of Christianity was real, because I knew that He had done what I had asked.

He did not only what I asked, but also much more. He began to introduce me to Himself. While I wasn’t noticing, He began revealing to me who He was. Over time, I began to fall in love with Him. Now, almost twenty years later, I am hooked on God’s Word. In reality, I’m addicted to Love. The God I met at age fourteen causes me to fall in love with Him daily, because He is in love with me. The more I read the Bible, the more addicted I become. There is life in the Word. But I can only get to the life by spending time in the Word. In fact, not spending time in the Word causes my hunger to wane. Love takes time to nurture and grow, and the more I get the more I want. But it does take time.

I sort of took time for granted in my teenage and college years. In my home-school high school, Bible study and memorization were part of our curriculum, and I ate it up. Later, in college, I would often go to school early so I could sit in my car with my Bible for an hour or so. The desire grew in me to be in ministry. I prayed and researched different mission fields, but I did not have peace about going. As I neared the completion of my bachelor’s degree, I wondered what would come next. All I really wanted to do was to be in the ministry, and to be a wife and mother. God opened a door for me to work at my church, which I did for over three years. All the time, I continued to dream and pray about ministry, marriage, and motherhood, seeking the future God had for me.

On September 1, 2001, at age 28, I married my husband, Paul. Finally my dream was beginning to be fulfilled! I threw myself wholeheartedly into our marriage. My parents have a great marriage, and I envisioned nothing less for myself. I have not been disappointed. We began to grow our family right away, quickly having three children in a row. But something happened that I had not anticipated. I no longer had time or energy for the long, leisurely times in the Word that I had previously enjoyed. The demands of a husband, children, and household were taking their toll. I began to understand why 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 speaks of the unmarried being able to focus on the Lord without distractions. I struggled with resentment.

At the beginning of this year, I reached the end of my rope. “Why,” I asked God, “did You give me this great desire for You if I cannot spend time with You anymore? Why did You lead me into marriage and motherhood if that meant giving up a deep relationship with You?” I love my husband and children, but I felt as if my life was being sucked away. I was barely hanging on with minimal devotions when I managed to find the time.

And God answered me! Over the next few months He began to show me how to change my perspective and lifestyle to center around Him. I began to shed my “I can’t” attitude, instead asking Him how I could. Whenever a frustration would arise, I’d ask, “Lord, what do you want this to look like?” I have been doing that regarding time in the Word, prayer, fasting, etc. In the process, my family is benefiting. No longer do they have a wife or mommy who sulks in perpetual self-pity. They have one with vision and purpose who is being continually filled up with God’s love, which can then be poured out on them. I’m even beginning to realize that I can bring other things, such as intimacy with my husband, time with my kids, having more fun, and character training issues, to God in the same way. He continues to answer!

I am not saying that my life is perfect. But it is significantly different than it used to be. I am different than I used to be. What God has been teaching me is what I would like to share with you.

Return to Desperation

Last weekend, returning from a wonderful, amazing second honeymoon with my husband, I fell apart again. “I can’t return to my life!” I whined to Paul. “I am sick of being exhausted and having no time for fun. I can’t stand the thought of dealing with these three whiny, demanding kids!” (Wonder where they get that from?) “What is going on?” he asked, confused. After all, we’d only been home a few hours, and the children had merely been rambunctious and glad to see us. As we talked, he quickly identified the problem. I needed to go through the process again, to reevaluate my schedule and priorities according to God’s perspective. We then spent a significant portion of the remainder of the weekend doing just that.

During these twelve weeks, we will identify our vision and purpose and then apply it to our daily lives. This process, when actually applied, will transform the way you live. You will be enabled to partner with God to see His purposes worked out in your and your family’s lives. If you have already been through some of this with us before, I invite you to come along again. Like me, you may be ready to reevaluate and refocus for a new season. Be assured, God has more for you!

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest (Matthew 11:28).

If I will simply come to Jesus, my real life will be brought into harmony with my real desires . . . . At the most unexpected moments in your life there is this whisper of the Lord – ‘Come to Me,’ and you are immediately drawn to Him. Personal contact with Jesus changes everything. Be ‘foolish’ enough to come and commit yourself to what He says (Oswald Chambers).